What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
