Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I take back everything I said about communal showers
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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