She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
