I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
