I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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