I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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