ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
