i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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