There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
