I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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