all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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