when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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