you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
