I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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