Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
