I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
