Dual....:-)
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
