At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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