i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
