you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
