haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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