I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
