This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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