you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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