I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
