I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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