you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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