the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
how does that bad decision feel?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
