If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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