I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
