i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
