I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So vagazzling was a success
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
