I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
