she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
