Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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