I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Houston, we have a blender
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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