my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
