I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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