You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
