That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
