dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
