my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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