At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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