Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
