so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
