I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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