overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just puked most of my soul out..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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