Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
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There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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