At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
