It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
