I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
