true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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