apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Mom said you looked used
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
