The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
