if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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