i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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